don’t think I care, don’t think I feel what you felt, don’t hurt, but the truth is my dear- you need to stop thinking because you are very wrong. You don’t know the half of what I feel. You tell people that all I want is to cause you pain, to be a bitch and make you mad on purpose. That’s far from the truth. I wished you nothing but happiness. I was mean to you, I did things I shouldn’t have, but at least I can admit that I was wrong, and feel sympathetic for what I have done to you. I didn’t want things to be like this, not even close. I wanted you to move on, needed you to move on, for my own sake- so I would stop going back to you, stop falling for you all over again, and then getting hurt. But I didn’t expect you to fall for her. I’ve never felt more anger, sadness, shock, and a million other feelings all at once than I did that night. I wasn’t ready to watch you with her, watch you HAPPY. Touching her, looking into her eyes, dancing with her, holding her. I was the one you used to do that to and to see someone else in your arms was honestly scary. Whether it was real happiness or not, it killed me inside, and even thinking about it hurts. I wish you would understand where i’m coming from. I want you to be happy but at the same time i’m jealous. She’s playing you like a fiddle whether you see it yet or not, and you really don’t need that in your life. I can’t let you get hurt again, but you are a big boy and can figure it out on your own. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. Goodbye.
I think I have changed my outlook on life just over this four-day weekend. I let go, and was the happiest I have been in a while. The first few days started off rough, and tears were shed here and there but after that I realized there was no point. No point in crying over people not wanting to be a part of my life. If they don’t want to be there, and they make me cry, then they shouldn’t be. It’s as simple as that. I don’t understand what took me so long to figure all this out. But I’m so much happier now that I did. The people that want to spend time with me and don’t need me to do everything for them are the ones worth keeping. The ones who I can aimlessly drive around with, with nothing to do; no where to go, or just sit there with each other and still manage to have a good time are the ones I want to spend every moment with, and I think i’m finally finding them. There’s no room for more stress. I have more in my life than most people can imagine, but i’m getting over it all; putting it behind me, and moving on. (:
I really do let people walk all over me. They use me for what they need, and ignore me if I don’t have it. It’s bullshit and I should know better, I shouldn’t let it happen. But I do. Constantly. People tell me I don’t deserve it, and I need to grow a back bone. I try; everyday. It never ends up working. Something about making people happy and helping them out lets me be happy. Or at least pretend to. I’m not sure why I am like this, and I’ve lost so much because of it but there’s something inside me that makes me this way, and I don’t know if I can ever get rid of it. </3
I can’t help but remember the last time I was happy, the last time I was actually myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me amazingly well, and I am “happy”, but not like I used to be. I used to… feel different, think different, and have a good time. Now, I feel like everything I do is a chore, that I don’t want to do anything, or let myself have fun like I did. I can still remember so many good times last year brought me. Every little detail, every smell, every taste. Leaving after third block with my best friend, meeting up with our boys, going four-wheeling until it got dark, and going back to my house to curl up with the three people that meant the most to me. Those days will forever be stuck in my mind. Something about the weather, the people, the mood of the day, and the freedom that came with it will not leave me be. I want to be genuinely happy like that again; completely care-free. I honestly don’t know how to go back to that, but i’m going to try. Stress from not having my license, my best friends all graduating, a heavy school load, working a shitty job, financial issues, and family drama, all cause me to shut down. I can’t seem to find a way to make it all work anymore and it keeps me up at night trying to figure it out. I will be eighteen soon which is a plus, I have people who care a lot about me (whether I deserve it or not), and a future a head of me. Call me selfish for not being completely happy or at least content with my life, but i’m not. At school, when I walk through the halls, and during my classes, I put on a smile. I don’t think anyone ever sees through it, but the truth is, it’s fake. I’m not happy when i’m in school. Not having my best friends there with me has been a wake up call, and I can’t do it; not happily at least. I hate going to that place without them by my side, or doing anything for that matter but unless I change my attitude, i’m not going to make it through the year.
TEN ARE YOU’S 1. Are you single - yessir TEN FACTS TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE TEN THIS OR THAT TEN HAVE YOU EVER TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER TEN HAVE YOU’S TEN LASTS 8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with - Sean? LAST PERSON TO WOULD YOU RATHER ARE YOU DO YOU PREFER ANSWER TRUTHFULLY DO YOU PREFER UNIQUE QUESTIONS 1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? - twirl IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU LASTS
2. Are you happy - getting better
3. Are you bored – ^ mhm
4. Are you naked - nope
5. Are you a blonde - no
6. Are you moody – not right now
7. Are you a lover/hater - lover
8. Are you hot/cold - cold
9. Are you Irish - yes, a little
10. Are you Asian- no
1. Name – Emily
2. Nicknames – Em, Emmy, emily elephant, Mimi, Nohavadick, Andre etc
3. Any birth marks- yes
4. Hair color – brown
5. Natural hair color - lighter brown
6. Eye color - blue
7. Height - 5’9.5” ish
8. Mood - happy
9. Favorite color – yellow, white, and pink
10. One Place You Want to Visit - Italy
1. Do you believe in love at first sight – not really, just lust
2. Do you believe in soul mates - maybe
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally - many times
5. Have you ever broke someone’s heart? - yes
6. Ever had your heart broken? - yes
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? -mhm
8. Are you afraid of commitment? - no not really
9. Who was the last person you hugged? - Danial (:
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? - melissa
1. Love or lust – both
3. Cats or dogs – dogs
4. A few best friends or many regular friends - besties
5. Television or internet - internet
6. Chinese Or Indian - chinese
7. Wild night out or romantic night in – both (:
8. Money or Happiness - happiness
9. Night or day - night
10. Msn or phone - texting on the phone
1. Been caught sneaking out – yeah
2. Been skinny dipping - yes
3. Bungee jumped – no
4. Finished an entire jaw breaker – yep
5. Lied to someone you liked – yes
6. Wanted an ex boyfriend/girlfriend back – yeah
8. Cried yourself to sleep? - of course
9. Cried because you lost a pet – yeah
10. Wanted to disappear –yess
1. Smile or eyes - eyes
2. Light or dark hair – either
3. Hugs or kisses - both
4. Shorter or taller - tallerrrrr
5. Intelligence or attraction – a little of both
6. Romantic or spontaneous - both
7. Funny or serious - both
8. Older or Younger- older
9. Outgoing or quiet - more outgoing
10. Sweet or Bad Ass – sweet and bad ass
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yeah
2. Ever done drugs – yes
3. Ever consumed alcohol? - mhm
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team – yeah
6. Ever Been on a dance team - not a team, but i took dance for many many years
7. Ever been on a sports team - yes
8. Ever been in a drama play/production - yes
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? no
10. Ever been in a rap video? - no lmao
1. Last phone call you made – Brittbeee (:
2. Last person you hung out with - Dan
4. Last time you worked – just got home like a half hour ago or less
5. Last person you tackled – Sean
6. Last person you IM’d - Melissa
9. Last thing you missed – people
10. Last thing you ate - a cookie earlier
1. Sleep beside you? - Sean
2. See you cry? –Sean
3. You went out to dinner with? Sean
5. You talked on the phone to? - Brittney Jean
7. Made you laugh?- Dan
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? -got both done, have tongue still though
2. Be serious or be funny? - funny
1. Simple or complicated? - complicated
2. Retarded? - sometimes lmao
1. Flowers or candy? - flowers
2. Gray or black? - grey
3. Color or Black and white photos? - depends what it is
4. Sunrise or sunset? - sunset
6. Staying up late or waking up early? -staying up late
1. Do you like anyone? - yes
2. Do they know it? - yes
1. Sun or moon? - moon
2. Winter or Summer? - winter
3. Left or right? - left
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? - two bestfriends
5. Sun or rain? - sun
6. Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? - vanilla
7. Vodka or Jack Daniels? - Vodka
1. Nervous Habits? - biting my nails, playing with my hands/phone, looking down, tapping my legs
2. Are you double jointed? - no
3. Can you twist your tongue around and roll it? - yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow? - no
5. Can You cross your eyes? - yes
6. Do you make your bed daily? - mhm
1. Which shoe goes on first? - right
2. Ever thrown something at someone? - yes
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you? - usually just my credit card
4. What jewellery do you wear? - two earrings per ear, tongue ring, belly ring, pear necklace, three bracelets, one hairtie
2. Have you ever eaten Spam? - no
3. Favorite ice cream? - mint chocolate chip
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? - idk like three?
5. What’s your favorite beverage? - sherley temples lol
6. Do you cook? - ya
1. Had a relationship? - yes
2. Bought something? - yes
4. Sang: - yeah
5. Been hugged: - mhm
6. Felt stupid: - of course
7. Missed someone: - yes
1. Last Alcoholic Drink: - bud light?
2. Last Car ride: - home from work
3. Last Movie Watched: - I don’t remember
4. Last Song Played: - something Dan showed me
I am from a room made up of past photographs, from the prom t-shirt and Jones’ bottles.
I am from the house of lonely nights.
Of the big oak tree that never dies, the lilac bush that had to be left behind, and the roses that once meant everything.
I’m from Chinese food on Christmas Eve and tall people.
From a long line of alcoholics and people who walk out.
I’m from a place where abuse meant they cared and where bi-polar moods were normal.
From the promises of always being together and where New Jersey will always be home to me.
I’m from where every Sunday we went to church, to eventually not going at all.
I’m from stubborn Czechoslovakians and their food to Thanksgiving feasts.
From all those years of dance taken away from me and everything going to waste.
The ones who only cared about themselves.
I am from the boxes of photographs kept in the attic, the frames lined on the living room tables of people who left and faces with emotions hidden deep within.
I am from hurt.
Dear Stranger,
Live your life. Don’t look back, just keep pushing forward without regrets. And party hard (:
but I do know that these thoughts running through my head are going to kill me. Should I stay or should I go? That’s the question right now. We’ve been together ten long months. We’ve broken up a few times, you cheated on me, I cheated on someone I love(d) with my whole heart with you, and I will never make that mistake again. The pain from that is like a burn. It will never go away; it will forever be stuck with me. It kills me to hurt people; anyone, and I wish that there was some way to make this easier, but there’s not. I need to stay strong, there’s no time for crying, my tears won’t help me now. I am more confused than I have ever been and this decision is killing me. Is it you or is it him? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything, and i’m emotionless. I stare at this screen with the same blank; empty face that hasn’t changed for months. I wish it were that easy- easy enough to straight up tell you I still love him, that part of me still longs for him, because he was my first love. But I can’t, there’s no way I can. I love you more than you probably realize but what have we come to? And is there a turning back? Is there a way we can fix this; make this all better, and make the fighting stop? I don’t know. And i’m not sure how long it is going to take me before I do know. ♥
