I can’t help but remember the last time I was happy, the last time I was actually myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me amazingly well, and I am “happy”, but not like I used to be. I used to… feel different, think different, and have a good time. Now, I feel like everything I do is a chore, that I don’t want to do anything, or let myself have fun like I did. I can still remember so many good times last year brought me. Every little detail, every smell, every taste. Leaving after third block with my best friend, meeting up with our boys, going four-wheeling until it got dark, and going back to my house to curl up with the three people that meant the most to me. Those days will forever be stuck in my mind. Something about the weather, the people, the mood of the day, and the freedom that came with it will not leave me be. I want to be genuinely happy like that again; completely care-free. I honestly don’t know how to go back to that, but i’m going to try. Stress from not having my license, my best friends all graduating, a heavy school load, working a shitty job, financial issues, and family drama, all cause me to shut down. I can’t seem to find a way to make it all work anymore and it keeps me up at night trying to figure it out. I will be eighteen soon which is a plus, I have people who care a lot about me (whether I deserve it or not), and a future a head of me. Call me selfish for not being completely happy or at least content with my life, but i’m not. At school, when I walk through the halls, and during my classes, I put on a smile. I don’t think anyone ever sees through it, but the truth is, it’s fake. I’m not happy when i’m in school. Not having my best friends there with me has been a wake up call, and I can’t do it; not happily at least. I hate going to that place without them by my side, or doing anything for that matter but unless I change my attitude, i’m not going to make it through the year.
Notes
