Live for the Moments...

You

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 15:47:09 -0500

don’t think I care, don’t think I feel what you felt, don’t hurt, but the truth is my dear- you need to stop thinking because you are very wrong. You don’t know the half of what I feel. You tell people that all I want is to cause you pain, to be a bitch and make you mad on purpose. That’s far from the truth. I wished you nothing but happiness. I was mean to you, I did things I shouldn’t have, but at least I can admit that I was wrong, and feel sympathetic for what I have done to you. I didn’t want things to be like this, not even close. I wanted you to move on, needed you to move on, for my own sake- so I would stop going back to you, stop falling for you all over again, and then getting hurt. But I didn’t expect you to fall for her. I’ve never felt more anger, sadness, shock, and a million other feelings all at once than I did that night. I wasn’t ready to watch you with her, watch you HAPPY. Touching her, looking into her eyes, dancing with her, holding her. I was the one you used to do that to and to see someone else in your arms was honestly scary. Whether it was real happiness or not, it killed me inside, and even thinking about it hurts. I wish you would understand where i’m coming from. I want you to be happy but at the same time i’m jealous. She’s playing you like a fiddle whether you see it yet or not, and you really don’t need that in your life. I can’t let you get hurt again, but you are a big boy and can figure it out on your own. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. ~~Goodbye.~~

As odd as this may sound,

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 20:23:00 -0400

I think I have changed my outlook on life just over this four-day weekend. I let go, and was the happiest I have been in a while. The first few days started off rough, and tears were shed here and there but after that I realized there was no point. No point in crying over people not wanting to be a part of my life. If they don’t want to be there, and they make me cry, then they shouldn’t be. It’s as simple as that. I don’t understand what took me so long to figure all this out. But I’m so much happier now that I did. The people that want to spend time with me and don’t need me to do everything for them are the ones worth keeping. The ones who I can aimlessly drive around with, with nothing to do; no where to go, or just sit there with each other and still manage to have a good time are the ones I want to spend every moment with, and I think i’m finally finding them. There’s no room for more stress. I have more in my life than most people can imagine, but i’m getting over it all; putting it behind me, and moving on. (:

I am a used carpet...

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:09:00 -0400

I really do let people walk all over me. They use me for what they need, and ignore me if I don’t have it. It’s bullshit and I should know better, I shouldn’t let it happen. But I do. Constantly. People tell me I don’t deserve it, and I need to grow a back bone. I try; everyday. It never ends up working. Something about making people happy and helping them out lets me be happy. Or at least pretend to. I’m not sure why I am like this, and I’ve lost so much because of it but there’s something inside me that makes me this way, and I don’t know if I can ever get rid of it. </3

The past is the past, but I can't help but think of it...

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 21:59:35 -0400

I can’t help but remember the last time I was happy, the last time I was actually myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me amazingly well, and I am “happy”, but not like I used to be. I used to… feel different, think different, and have a good time. Now, I feel like everything I do is a chore, that I don’t want to do anything, or let myself have fun like I did. I can still remember so many good times last year brought me. Every little detail, every smell, every taste. Leaving after third block with my best friend, meeting up with our boys, going four-wheeling until it got dark, and going back to my house to curl up with the three people that meant the most to me. Those days will forever be stuck in my mind. Something about the weather, the people, the mood of the day, and the freedom that came with it will not leave me be. I want to be genuinely happy like that again; completely care-free. I honestly don’t know how to go back to that, but i’m going to try. Stress from not having my license, my best friends all graduating, a heavy school load, working a shitty job, financial issues, and family drama, all cause me to shut down. I can’t seem to find a way to make it all work anymore and it keeps me up at night trying to figure it out. I will be eighteen soon which is a plus, I have people who care a lot about me (whether I deserve it or not), and a future a head of me. Call me selfish for not being completely happy or at least content with my life, but i’m not. At school, when I walk through the halls, and during my classes, I put on a smile. I don’t think anyone ever sees through it, but the truth is, it’s fake. I’m not happy when i’m in school. Not having my best friends there with me has been a wake up call, and I can’t do it; not happily at least. I hate going to that place without them by my side, or doing anything for that matter but unless I change my attitude, i’m not going to make it through the year.

Stolen because I'm bored (:

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 23:14:20 -0400

TEN ARE YOU’S

1. Are you single - yessir
2. Are you happy - getting better
3. Are you bored – ^ mhm
4. Are you naked - nope
5. Are you a blonde - no
6. Are you moody – not right now
7. Are you a lover/hater - lover
8. Are you hot/cold - cold
9. Are you Irish - yes, a little
10. Are you Asian- no

TEN FACTS
1. Name – Emily
2. Nicknames – Em, Emmy, emily elephant, Mimi, Nohavadick, Andre etc
3. Any birth marks- yes
4. Hair color – brown
5. Natural hair color - lighter brown
6. Eye color - blue
7. Height - 5’9.5” ish
8. Mood - happy
9. Favorite color – yellow, white, and pink
10. One Place You Want to Visit - Italy

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Do you believe in love at first sight – not really, just lust
2. Do you believe in soul mates - maybe
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally - many times
5. Have you ever broke someone’s heart? - yes
6. Ever had your heart broken? - yes
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? -mhm
8. Are you afraid of commitment? - no not really
9. Who was the last person you hugged? - Danial (:
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? - melissa

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust – both
3. Cats or dogs – dogs
4. A few best friends or many regular friends - besties
5. Television or internet - internet
6. Chinese Or Indian - chinese
7. Wild night out or romantic night in – both (:
8. Money or Happiness - happiness
9. Night or day - night
10. Msn or phone - texting on the phone

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out – yeah
2. Been skinny dipping - yes
3. Bungee jumped – no
4. Finished an entire jaw breaker – yep
5. Lied to someone you liked – yes
6. Wanted an ex boyfriend/girlfriend back – yeah
8. Cried yourself to sleep? - of course
9. Cried because you lost a pet – yeah
10. Wanted to disappear –yess

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes - eyes
2. Light or dark hair – either
3. Hugs or kisses - both
4. Shorter or taller - tallerrrrr
5. Intelligence or attraction – a little of both
6. Romantic or spontaneous - both
7. Funny or serious - both
8. Older or Younger- older
9. Outgoing or quiet - more outgoing
10. Sweet or Bad Ass – sweet and bad ass

TEN HAVE YOU’S
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yeah
2. Ever done drugs – yes
3. Ever consumed alcohol? - mhm
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team – yeah
6. Ever Been on a dance team - not a team, but i took dance for many many years
7. Ever been on a sports team - yes
8. Ever been in a drama play/production - yes
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? no
10. Ever been in a rap video? - no lmao

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made – Brittbeee (:
2. Last person you hung out with - Dan
4. Last time you worked – just got home like a half hour ago or less
5. Last person you tackled – Sean
6. Last person you IM’d - Melissa

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with - Sean?
9. Last thing you missed – people
10. Last thing you ate - a cookie earlier

LAST PERSON TO
1. Sleep beside you? - Sean
2. See you cry? –Sean
3. You went out to dinner with? Sean
5. You talked on the phone to? - Brittney Jean
7. Made you laugh?- Dan

WOULD YOU RATHER
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? -got both done, have tongue still though
2. Be serious or be funny? - funny

ARE YOU
1. Simple or complicated? - complicated
2. Retarded? - sometimes lmao

DO YOU PREFER
1. Flowers or candy? - flowers
2. Gray or black? - grey
3. Color or Black and white photos? - depends what it is
4. Sunrise or sunset? - sunset
6. Staying up late or waking up early? -staying up late

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
1. Do you like anyone? - yes
2. Do they know it? - yes

DO YOU PREFER
1. Sun or moon? - moon
2. Winter or Summer? - winter
3. Left or right? - left
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? - two bestfriends
5. Sun or rain? - sun
6. Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? - vanilla
7. Vodka or Jack Daniels? - Vodka

UNIQUE
1. Nervous Habits? - biting my nails, playing with my hands/phone, looking down, tapping my legs
2. Are you double jointed? - no
3. Can you twist your tongue around and roll it? - yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow? - no
5. Can You cross your eyes? - yes
6. Do you make your bed daily? - mhm

QUESTIONS
1. Which shoe goes on first? - right
2. Ever thrown something at someone? - yes
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you? - usually just my credit card
4. What jewellery do you wear? - two earrings per ear, tongue ring, belly ring, pear necklace, three bracelets, one hairtie

1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? - twirl
2. Have you ever eaten Spam? - no
3. Favorite ice cream? - mint chocolate chip
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? - idk like three?
5. What’s your favorite beverage? - sherley temples lol
6. Do you cook? - ya

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU
1. Had a relationship? - yes
2. Bought something? - yes
4. Sang: - yeah
5. Been hugged: - mhm
6. Felt stupid: - of course
7. Missed someone: - yes

LASTS
1. Last Alcoholic Drink: - bud light?
2. Last Car ride: - home from work
3. Last Movie Watched: - I don’t remember
4. Last Song Played: - something Dan showed me

Where I'm From

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:00:36 -0400

I am from a room made up of past photographs, from the prom t-shirt and Jones’ bottles.

I am from the house of lonely nights.

Of the big oak tree that never dies, the lilac bush that had to be left behind, and the roses that once meant everything.

I’m from Chinese food on Christmas Eve and tall people.

From a long line of alcoholics and people who walk out.

I’m from a place where abuse meant they cared and where bi-polar moods were normal.

From the promises of always being together and where New Jersey will always be home to me.

I’m from where every Sunday we went to church, to eventually not going at all.

I’m from stubborn Czechoslovakians and their food to Thanksgiving feasts.

From all those years of dance taken away from me and everything going to waste.

The ones who only cared about themselves.

I am from the boxes of photographs kept in the attic, the frames lined on the living room tables of people who left and faces with emotions hidden deep within.

I am from hurt.

Day 6

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 03:00:52 -0400

Dear Stranger,

Live your life. Don’t look back, just keep pushing forward without regrets. And party hard (:

I'm not sure about anything

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:56:11 -0400

but I do know that these thoughts running through my head are going to kill me. Should I stay or should I go? That’s the question right now. We’ve been together ten long months. We’ve broken up a few times, you cheated on me, I cheated on someone I love(d) with my whole heart with you, and I will never make that mistake again. The pain from that is like a burn. It will never go away; it will forever be stuck with me. It kills me to hurt people; anyone, and I wish that there was some way to make this easier, but there’s not. I need to stay strong, there’s no time for crying, my tears won’t help me now. I am more confused than I have ever been and this decision is killing me. Is it you or is it him? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything, and i’m emotionless. I stare at this screen with the same blank; empty face that hasn’t changed for months. I wish it were that easy- easy enough to straight up tell you I still love him, that part of me still longs for him, because he was my first love. But I can’t, there’s no way I can. I love you more than you probably realize but what have we come to? And is there a turning back? Is there a way we can fix this; make this all better, and make the fighting stop? I don’t know. And i’m not sure how long it is going to take me before I do know. ♥

just have a feeling

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:22:22 -0400

well thats too bad.

ehh doubt it

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 01:12:20 -0400

why do you doubt it?

i miss you..

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:12:08 -0400

i probably miss you too (:

Day 5

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 12:40:00 -0400

To my dreams,

Please come true. Some of you at least. That is all I ask. I want to make it somewhere in life, do something great, be someone. <3

Day 4

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 07:57:21 -0400

To my sibling(s),

Jennie, Chris, Amanda, & Helen. All four of you are my siblings, half or not. I love you all dearly no matter what.

Jennie,

We’re not close, and never really have been. You’ve always been more of a mother figure to me than a sister. We never fought or anything like that but I do wish we could be closer. You’re a wonderful sister and I wouldn’t change anything about you. I love you

Christopher,

I love you and miss you so much. You are my brother, the only one i’ll ever have. I really wish you didn’t live 5 hours away, it sucks. I love when you come to visit and scare away my ex boyfriend’s when they’re unwanted; it shows that you’re protective of your little sister. I wish we could spend more time together, I wish you lived with us, I wish you were here. : /

Amanda,

Ooma (: I love you, I look up to you, I wish I could be like you, live like you. I’ve never liked choosing, but you have always been my favorite. You look out for me and are there for me no matter what happens. You are my hero and always have been. I remember dedicating every single one of those books we had to write and illustrate ourselves in first and second grade to you. You have always been the one that I went to for advice, the one I went to with my secrets. You know almost everything and I love that I can be that open with you. You are so independent and successful. You’ve known what you have wanted to do since you were pretty much born. You did what you needed to do and you made your dreams come true. I envy you and love you for being so sure of yourself and your life. I hate that I don’t get to see you every day but we would probably kill each other over time. I love you very much Pander, I hope you know that.

Helen,

Aayday (: Growing up, you were my best friend, the one and only. I spent every moment of the day with you. We would wake up early, make drink concoctions, dress up in weird outfits, and play dolls all day. I think you secretly hated it though. As you got a little older, you always continued to get closer to Amanda. I would have to bribe you to let me sleep in your room. I would be your maid for the entire day but I loved it because I knew I would get to sleepover in your room. We would stay up really late watching “Detroit Rock City” every time and you would always cover my eyes during the sex scene. You looked out for me and I loved having you to protect me. I loved when Mom and Dad went out just so you and Amanda would babysit me. I would beg you guys to play hide-and-go-seek and when you finally gave in you would just leave me hiding for what seemed like forever and go play by yourselves. At the time I probably cried and said I hated you but it was still time spent with my sisters. Like when you guys would lock me in the laundry room closet; tell me it was a game called “jail”; I loved every second of it. You would be the one to give me a slice of bread and a glass of water once in a while and I loved you because of it. As the years went on we grew apart. A lot has gone on in our lives since those days. We don’t get along that well anymore. You piss me off a lot and we say we hate each other but at the end of the day I know you’re still the same sister, the same best friend I grew up with and I still love you no matter what.

Insomnia

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 04:55:48 -0400

It’s like 5 in the morning, I can’t sleep, or stop talking on aim, and i’m hungry :(

Day 3

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:45:00 -0400

To my parents,

To this day I am mad at the both of you, for having to get a ~~fucking~~ divorce, for tearing the family apart. It’s the cause of my pain sadly and I hate you both for it.

Where to begin…

Mother.

I love you, and you are sort of my hero. We don’t have the best of a relationship and we fight all the time but I look up to you and I don’t know where I would be without you. I’m sorry for hurting you, for hating you because you moved us up here, and saying that I don’t like it up here. I have mixed emotions about this place, that’s all. You are an amazing mom. You would do anything for me; for any of us and you try your best at everything. You try to make this the best life for us and we don’t appreciate it or you enough. Or I don’t. I’m a bitch and I know I am. But I want you to know, I do keep everything you tell me in mind and I do listen to you constantly. If I were to lose you, I would kill myself because you’re one person in my life that I know will always be there.

Daddy.

I love you and miss you so much, and I wish that you would come back to us. I hate not having you around, not seeing you every day. You’re my father. But at the same time I hate you. I hate what you did to us. You were mean, especially to me, once Amanda and Helen were out of the house. You never wanted to hear what I had to say, and always told me to “shut up” when you would rather watch your t.v shows and drink your beer. I hated the constant abuse, especially the beatings to the three of us, and what you would do to them if they tried to stop you and try to protect me; protect their baby sister.Some of the only really detailed memories I have of my childhood were of these moments, and that kills me. I wish you would have always been the fun-loving guy we knew you were capable of being. You were a good dad besides the abuse to all of us. You always gave us what we wanted and we went to different places all the time, and on amazing family vacations. Without you, our family has fallen apart. Rumors have spread, and people haven gone a tad nutty. Whether they’re true or not, you have hurt us, all of us and I hope one day you will realize what you left behind, and what you’re missing out on.

favorite song <3

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:17:00 -0400

favorite song <3

Day 2

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:12:00 -0400

I don’t have a “crush” so this is to my boyfriend.

My dearest Sean,

I hate you and I love you. You drive me insane and you make me the happiest girl alive. You make me feel beautiful and you make me feel like a monster. I don’t know what it is about you that made me want you over other guys or over “him”. To want to “switch” guys with my best friend and take you over Terin. But there’s something. You reminded me what butterflies felt like, what it felt like to be nervous around someone you really liked, what a first kiss with someone special felt like. I had been going through a lot of shit when we first got together and had recently gotten out of a serious relationship with someone that meant a lot. When you asked me out in my living room closet that September afternoon, in front of our best friends, there was no way I was going to say no. You made me feel alive; made me feel happy again. For a while, you even made me forget about cutting; forget about my pain buried deep. It didn’t last long though. You cheated on me. And that will forever tear me up inside. You say “you were drunk” but it’s no excuse. To do that with a girl you barely knew; who I introduced you to, while I was just downstairs, is low; very low. That is one thing I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive you for. It’s one pain that will never go away. And i’m sorry but that’s how it is. I’ve broken up with you three times, yet you still stick around. I love you for that. When I was upset or mad and broke up with you, you didn’t move on, you didn’t go out and hook up with all the girls you know you could have, because you love me, and although it may not seem like it all the time, I love you too- with my whole heart. I never want to lose you or hurt you in any way. Thank you for being amazing (most of the times) and putting up with my crap day in and day out. I don’t deserve you Sean :]

Day 1

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:53:00 -0400

To my best friend,

Although you’ll probably never read this, I’m going to write to you as if you would. I love you. Thank you, you have been there for me through everything. We’ve laughed with each other, cried ourselves to sleep together; absolutely everything. Although we get in fights, get pissed off at each other constantly, call each other names, roll our eyes at one another, we know at the end of the day we will still be there for each other. From the countless times of almost getting arrested, to me ditching you and running away while you got in trouble, to the boring, simple car rides we love; we’re always enjoying ourselves. You’re like my sister- we’re attached at the hips as our families love to remind us. Or they did. Things have changed, and I feel as if we’ve grown apart some. We used to turn around and the other one was there, or yell each others name and the other would come running, but now it seems as if we’re hundreds of miles apart. We do still tell each other everything and hangout whenever we can but things are different now and it kills me. I know I’m going to lose you one of these days. You graduated already, you don’t work with me any more and now you’re moving an hour away. Things are going to continue to change. I’m going to do my absolute best to stay close to you and remain best friends. I have been through more shit, experienced more with you than anyone else in this world, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I want to go back to those days when I was the only one you could call your best friend; the only one you could turn to and no one could take my place. Now the possibilities are endless and I know that you can find a new best friend to fill my place at any time. It scares the shit out of me.

Bucket List

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:38:39 -0400

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

You can either send it to them (anonymously or personally) or keep them to yourself.

“I’m sorry”

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:58:21 -0400

“I’m sorry”